How to Get Her out of Bed after Sex

"Why is she not going to her home?"

“Why is she not going to her home?”

The night went as well as you’d planned. Congratulations, the fun part’s over and now you’ve got a woman in your bed. Sometimes that’s not a problem, but if for one reason or another you really want to sleep alone tonight you’re going to have to get creative. Here are three great ways to get her out of bed and on the road after sex.

Make It Unpleasant for Her to Stay

"Start doing your personal stuff and make her feel bored"

“Start doing your personal stuff and make her feel bored”

The first thing that you have to do is stop her from going to sleep. If she’s sleeping peacefully, you’re stuck with her until morning. As soon after sex as you can, get the TV on. Turn it up. Put it on some boring station that would annoy anyone in their right minds, let the weather channel or someone with a droning voice reading stock prices twenty-four hours a day. If that doesn’t bother her, find a slasher film. Say that you have to have the TV on in order to fall asleep.

If there’s a way to make your room warmer or colder without bothering you too much, do that. If she’s baking, she’s not going to want to cuddle up. If she’s freezing, on the other hand, she’s not going to want to stay at all. Apologize, but say that there’s just nothing you can do.

Start an Uncomfortable Conversation

This is a little bit mean, but if you want to send her running you should start an uncomfortable conversation. Start telling her about intimate details from your past (which you can have just made up), or uncomfortable things you think about. Ask her where she sees herself in five years and then have your answers be so wildly different from hers that it’s hard for her to even be around you. There’s nothing fair in love and war, after all, and getting her away from you has an aspect of both. At the very least, if you’re keeping her up talking about random and disappointing things she’ll have an experience much like you leaving the television on all the time. It’ll be unpleasant enough to stay that she’ll be relieved to kiss you goodbye and get back to her own bed.

Say You Have to Change Your Sheets

This is a last ditch attempt to get her up, but it never fails. If she’s proven resistant to the techniques above, tell her that she has to get up because you have to change your sheets. You just read an article online about how terrible it is to sleep in sheets that have been sweated on. Then go into detail about all the problems this can cause, from bed bug rash to giving bedbugs a feast of sweat and salt to enjoy. Make it as graphic as you can, and change the sheets as slowly as possible. By that point she’s already up, and it’s easier to get dressed, and if you tell her that she doesn’t have to help you with the sheets she’ll be out the door long before you’re done with the sheet swap. Then you can just fall into bed and get some shut eye. You can fix the sheets later.


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